


The Seduction of Self Hatred

by MysticDodo



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Clary Fray & Alec Lightwood Friendship, Communication, Friendship, Loneliness, M/M, Magnus is cute, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Suicide, Post-Episode: s02e08 Love is a Devil, fears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-04 01:04:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10979127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticDodo/pseuds/MysticDodo
Summary: Based after the events of Shadowhunters Season 2 Episode 8, Love Is A Devil.Clary talks with Alec about what happened. Alec just wants to be with Magnus.





	The Seduction of Self Hatred

**Author's Note:**

> I'm very bad at uploading completed ficlets... Please forgive me?

Alec was no doubt going to Magnus’s apartment. Max’s rune ceremony was over and after the chaos of the last 10 or so hours, it would be natural that Alec would want to go to the place where he felt the most safe. 

“Alec,” Clary called out, doing a weird little half jog to eat up the distance between them. At the sound of his name, the tall Shadowhunter turned around, face guarded. He looked tired but proud. His eyes though… they looked at her with guilt and unease. They had softened yesterday night, when she said that she didn’t blame him, and he placed a hand on her, but that worry was back. 

Her own anxiety was playing havoc as well. 

“Clary,” Alec said in greeting when she stopped in front of him. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah. Max’s ceremony was beautiful,” she smiled. “Listen, can we… can we talk? I know you probably want to get out of here as quickly as possible but…”

Alec’s guarded look reinforced itself but he nodded his head in agreement and followed her silently as she lead them to an empty corridor. Their companionship, friendship - whatever it could be called - was no where near the level of “let’s chat in our bedrooms”. It was silent and Clary steeled herself up before she looked Alec dead on in the eyes. 

“How are you feeling?”

Alec obviously hadn’t been expecting that, if his shocked blink was anything to go by. “I’m fine. What about you?”

Clary fidgeted with a strand of her hair. “To be honest, I’m a little freaked out.” She waited for a few moments, waiting to see if Alec would say anything but he kept silent, guarded and confused. “The hallucinations… they felt so real.”

Alec shifted uncomfortably. “Yeah.”

He was still closed off. Clary swallowed thickly. “After everything that has happened, it helped me realise that my worst fear is being left alone. Everything has changed so quickly and… well, you guys are all I have left.”

“You’ve got the vampire.”

“Simon. Yes, I know but… he said something to be yesterday, about how I’d never truly understand what it’s like to be a Downworlder. And it got me thinking that he won’t know what it’s like to live as a Shadowhunter. I know I haven’t trained for this my entire life like you or Izzy or Jace but…” Clary looked at up at Alec again. “You guys are my family now.”

Alec had a small, uncomfortable flush across his cheek bones. “You’re one of us,” he finally said. “We take care of each other.”

“Exactly.” Clary took another deep breath. “Alec, you scared me yesterday, when you were on that ledge… if Magnus hadn’t have caught you…”

Alec was shuffling on his feet now. “The hallucinations felt so real,” he echoed Clary’s earlier words. 

“I can’t claim to know what your life has been like,” Clary said softly. “But from what I can guess, it seems like you have a lot of self hatred. Alec, please look at me. You have nothing to be ashamed of, okay? I just… well, if you ever need to talk or whatever, come and find me. Seeing you fall like that… I don’t want to lose anymore important people.”

It was over in a flash but Clary was squeezed in strong arms. She squeaked in surprise just as Alec hurriedly took a step back, the tips of his ears glowing. “You will never be alone,” he said hoarsely. “I er… said I’d help Magnus clean up…?”

Clary giggled. “You can go. But seriously, Alec, you ever want to talk to someone…”

“Thanks. And… you too.” With that, the oldest Lightwood sibling dashed around the corner and out of sight. She stared after the direction he disappeared for a few seconds before turning around and making her way back to the main body of the Institute. Alec had changed. She guessed everybody had. 

**

“Something on your mind, Alexander?” Magnus’s voice was low and soothing just above Alec’s head. He was resting against the warlock’s chest on the sofa inside. It was a nice day but he didn’t want to be out on the ledge. Not yet. Alec didn’t either. 

Alec stared at the dead fireplace, feeling Magnus’s heart beat against his cheek. His mind was whirling. “Clary cornered me after Max’s ceremony,” he said in the end. “She… she said I frightened her, out on the ledge yesterday.”

Magnus’s heart stuttered underneath his ear just as his arms squeezed Alec’s body. “I think you frightened everyone.”

“I scared myself too,” Alec whispered. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, but…” Alec sighed as he pushed himself up so that he was sitting next to Magnus. Their thighs were touching. “Thank you for saving me. Not just that time but… all the others as well. Thank you for everything you’ve done.”

Magnus smiled at Alec but it didn’t quite meet his eyes. He took Alec’s hand in his own and stroked his knuckles softly, looking like he was getting lost in thought. “I may be immortal but I’m not immune to death,” he said, voice far away. “When I was younger, I did all sorts of wild things, reckless things. Sleeping around, drinking, some substance abuse… Quite a few times I was attacked.” His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “One night, I couldn’t take it anymore. Any of it. Myself. Others. The thoughts and the feelings. I was ready to jump when Camille stopped me.”

Alec flinched. Magnus? Really?

“You may have noticed that I drink quite a lot.” Magnus said with a self depreciating smile. “Ragnor would always be nagging me about it. Drink less, Magnus. You have a problem, Magnus. Don’t shut me out, Magnus.” He sighed, hand going limp over Alec’s. “He was the father figure I never had. Sometimes, I still talk with him.”

“But he’s-”

“Dead, I know.” Magnus completed in a gruff voice. “What I’m trying to say, Alexander, is you can always talk to me.”

“Magnus…”

“I know things are tough for you right now. Heaven knows I would use all the magic in the world to take it away, if I could. But magic can only do so much,” Magnus said hurriedly, his hand gripping Alec’s with renewed vigor. “I’ve nearly lost you so many times in just a few short weeks. But honestly? I was most scared when I saw you fall. Scared because the feelings that you must have had, the thoughts that were running through your mind, have been in mine too and I know how dominating and true they can seem. How real. How… consuming.” Magnus swallowed again. “I know that Shadowhunters lead dangerous lives. I know you dance with death any time you go on a mission. But losing you to yourself? I…” he swallowed again and Alec was stunning to see his eyes were filled with tears. 

“Hey,” Alec said softly, raising a hand and cupping one of Magnus’s cheeks. “I’m not going anywhere.” He seemed to hesitate for a few moments before taking a shallow breath. “It…. It wasn’t the first time I thought about… doing it. About suicide. And I’m sorry that it was the first thing I turned to. It just… easier to believe the negative than it is the positive.”

Magnus turned his head and pressed a kiss into Alec’s palm, nuzzling it softly. Despite the serious nature of their conversation, Alec found himself chuckling. 

“What?” Magnus asked, one eye turned on him. 

“Nothing,” Alec said softly, stroking Magnus’s cheek. “You’re just… you’re cute.”

“Cute? I don’t know what you’re on about. I’m the fearsome Magnus Bane. Devilishly handsome, but cute?” Magnus poked out his tongue. “Definitely not.”

“Whatever you say, Mags,” Alec rolled his eyes fondly. He looked closely at Magnus for a few heartbeats before gathering the Warlock in his arms. “I’m… I’m glad you’re here. That you didn’t… you know.”

Magnus was like putty in his embrace. “Our minds can be our worst enemies,” his low voice murmured. “But that is why we build bonds with those around us. For help, support, a kick up the ass if needs be.” Magnus shifted and Alec felt lips press against his neck. “No matter how alienating our thoughts and feelings can appear, we are never alone. I’ve got you, Alexander. I’m not going anywhere.”

Alec swallowed. “Good,” he whispered, burying his nose in Magnus’s hair. “Me either.”


End file.
